rock and roll musings by Tim Byrnes

The Coal Black Sea Waits For Me, Me, Me

..... it's been how long now that I've been raging about the positive side of things? Offerrng little rays of sunshine to ye electronic strangers, replete w/typos and flawed, flawed logic? Too long, as I finally have to look the devil that I've been and am in the eye and say: It's all been hogwash. I know, I know I fold back on myself like some kind of spiritual chaise lounge (and some might say that I'm a lounger in the spiritual chase. Hi Jim, get that TV yet?) but isn't that how life is? I mean are any of us, including militant right wing Christians sure about anything? Aren't most of us merely whistling in the graveyard or shouting allegiances to get through the valley of the shadow of dewath. And doesn't death always win anyway, laughing at us and the churches we buils with and without hands?

      Probably and I don't want to be a drag - I just am - but all means nothing in the final analysis and I for one am bending from the strain of pretending that it doesn't. I'm sick of painting a happy face on a wasted life. I'm 50, the night clerk at a convenience store in the middle of nowhere. If this is all there is then I don't want it anymore. I'm gonna go home and go to sleep and hope I never wake up.

     Don't worry, all I'm gonna do is hope (and that's all that's left of hope right now, that the driver will just let me get off the freaking bus. I'm not gonna jump out the window. Honest, I'm far to great a coward for that particular act of bravery/defiance.) I gotta get home and feed the dog and the kittens. I love all 3 of them, honest, but right now there the only thing that's keeping me from getting on a bus (a real one, no metaphors need apply) and just get the hell out of this s-hole town, with all it's stranglied/strangling history and make a new start. Or just go from bar to bar, drinking again, hoping that I'll piss the right drunk off just enough so he'll beat me to death. That wouldn't be suicide, would it. And tangentially, when Jesus went to his death, knowing it was his death, wasn't THAT a form of suicide. And when he said 'My God, why hast thou forsaken me?" wasn't THAT a lapse of faith? If even Jesus wasn't sure god loved him then how can any of us...............

     I gott get some sleep. Anybody want to buy a dog that doesn't like Sonic Youth and 2 cats that do?

Hanging in there, if only by a thread.

tb

Posted by: timbyrnes at 16:18 | link | comments (5)

Comments:

#1  16 June 2005 - 16:27

 

Having the animals is the thread.

I dunno, you are right in the middle of that evangelical turritory, right? Maybe a little actual Macdougal and Bleeker (the streets) would be a relief. Plus, the meetings are better there, I bet.

Go to sleep and have sweet dreams. No teeth falling out dreams (my dreams last night, something to do with menopause).

Buster doesn't like Sonic Youth? The cats are too little and haven't properly formed their musical tastes yet. They're pliable. Snuggle up with the baby cats. And have a good cry. No false optimism. K.

xoxox

Leigh

#2  16 June 2005 - 18:04

 

Hang on, byrnes, help is on the way. Somewhere deep inside me is a man... no, wait, never mind.... anyway, hang on -- our 15-or-thereabouts-year reunion is forthcoming (on the 26th?). After my evangelical meeting, I'm all yours.... :P

carl
currently playing the best cut from Sediment 4
(i.e., "Catholic as Hell" :))

Anonymous

#3  16 June 2005 - 21:59

 

yo, tim. first of all, let go of the idea that 50 is old -- or some kind of end of the line. consider yourself lucky to have realized that you have wasted some time, that's your ticket to the future. allow yourself a little depresssion, if that's what's on tap, but that'll pass, too. just do something everyday to carry your torch forward. you actually do matter to the world.

wake up fresh.

howard

#4  16 June 2005 - 22:00

 

oh yeah, one more thing -- put on John Coltrane's version of my favorite things. loud.

howard

#5  17 June 2005 - 16:27

 

thank you all, I'm really ok - well not really, but not as bad as my purple prose suggests. I'm just tired and feeling like a failure, neither which are new sensations. Sleep is the ticket and getting out of this small town probably wouldn't hurt either. Feeling a little trapped by both circumstance and the animals (ever try riding abus w/2 kittens and a dog?- ain't gonna happen) But things'll work out, they always do. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Coltrane rules, that's a great idea. Again, thanks all and will post again soon.
tim

timbyrnes

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