rock and roll musings by Tim Byrnes

Crying Wolf in a Smoking Hole

     My buddy Tom left Fowler today. He arrived 2 weeks ago to the day, bringing with him all the chaos, deceit and shame of the common drunk. Before you think me heartless, though I suspect you won't - y'all been on my side through rogher and readier mixzes than this - I can say this with the voice of experience. 20 years ago, Tom was the last guy who'd drink w/me, and I the last who'd drink w/him. We were, in the ever shrinking social circle of the time, the scrapings on the bottom of the barrel. Common as common can get, we took seperate paths those many years ago.

     I moved to smalltown Colorado, and after say 6 months of fitful starts and point-proving minidrunks(' See, I can have a few beers - just like normal people!') I somehow just stopped. Stopped the actual drinking, that is. The repair work on the alcoholic thinking continues to this day and, I suspect, will until I finally go legs up by the mailbox. Through it all these last 13 years, the jobs, the bands, the lung collapse, the divorce, the suicidal ideations (hey, there's a name for a band!) and all the other joy and crap I've scribbled about here there has been a small and constant war in my head. The urge for a beer, which comes at least once a day - still - vs. the knowledge that giving in will only make matters worse.

     So far, I'm still winning that war. So far, Tom is still losing it. Believe me, I feel for the guy 'There but for the grace of God' and all (I truly believe that and, believe me, that line went through my head innumerable times these last 2 weeks), and if I could I'd snap my fingers and let him feel what I feel without that monkey on my back, I would. But the sad truth is Tom's not ready. Without going into too much detail, these last 2 weeks have been spent mainly putting out his fires. One hour off the bus, me stuck at work, Tom hit the neighborhood bar and I had to carry him back to my house. The 1st night. He gets in my apartment, swivels my TV so it faces the couch, splays his frame out on said couch, demands the remote and passes out.

     Not off to the best of starts, OK, I've been there, we can make this work. The next day he drinks again and I finally work up the nerve to tell him I don't want alcohol in my house. He takes this as an affront. 'OK, this is all new to him', I think, 'We can make this work." Two days later, I'm at work when my neighbor pulls up and tells me Tom's wandering around the parking lot where we live, all drunk, hitting on her daughter and basically scaring the bejesus out of all and sundry. I have to call a co-worker, have her come in while I run home to basically give a 45 year old man the 'While yr under my roof....' speech. He spends 25 minutes repeating 'Well, what did I say?' like he could defend himself if only he knew precisely what he'd done. I would tell him, he'd immediatley forget and ask me again.

     The hardest part of dealing with this was knowing that not too long ago I was the same guy. The part of my past I've worked so hard to get past - never forget, mind you, one has to know where one comes from, if only to avoid going back - was now sitting in the middle of my living room and, in my opinion, totally dispespecting what I'd accomplished. More importantly, Tom didn't respect himself. He certainly doesn't respect his alcoholism. Disease, schmisease! That's a quibble not worth quibbling with. The problem (alcoholism) is self-correcting, key word being self. Tom's path took him down the darker hallways of crack, smack and multiple broken marriages. We talked long into most nights that he was here. Horror story after horror story from Tom, positive suggesstion after positive suggesstion from me (stop laughing, Simmons), all coming to the sad conclusion that Tom just isn't ready to do the work required to get sober.

      Including the all  important 1st step of accepting that you have a problem. It's been over 30 years for Tom and he's still only as far as admitting he has a problem. That's a far cry from Accepting. Accepting implies that yr gonna do something about it and Tom's apparently not finished with his dark ride. This saddens me, sure, but there was only so much I could do.

     So after a week of sneak drinking on Tom's part, (I mean did he really think he could do an end run to the liquor store? I work right next to the liquor store!) stories changing vis a vis jobs he had supposedly done and was gonna get paid for 'any day now', money he had promised to help earn his keep going into the registers of both bars in town, culminating w/some drunk Tom had been in the bar w/all day banging on my door at one in the morning wanting to borrow money for beer I finally gave up. Tom and I never had a screaming argument about it, he just knew I was fed up. He found someone to buy his computer and is probably checking into a crack hotel in Pueblo as I type this. His plan is to go to AA meetings, find a job and 'start over'. Which had been his plan in the first place but Pueblo does offer many more resources than one-horse Fowler so I wish him well and I hope I'm wrong when I think about how it's gonna go for him.

     There but for the grace of God go I. I can only hope that Tom gets something positive out of the experience. I know I have. I now have a little more respect for myself and a little more gratitude for my situation, as flawed as it may be. Also, Tom was able to convert my musicfiles before he left. I'm uploading them now at lulu. It's gonna take a few more days (and how many times have we heard that, Tim?) but all 3  Tension Envelope CDs, Simmons' 'Incomprehendium' compilations and, for now, the 1900 CD will all be available at lulu and elsewhere, both as free downloads (single songs) and for purchase (complete CDs etc.).

      That's the next curve in my road. Let's all hope for the best for Tom.

Posted by: timbyrnes at 19:21 | link | comments (3)

Comments:

#1  10 April 2006 - 21:09

 

I can do that.

And no, I wasn't laughing. Under other circumstances, I might've been though. :)

burninglight

#2  11 April 2006 - 14:34

 

congratulations, tim. it's clear you have a big heart, as well as compassion and understanding (even well-earned from experience) and you were put to the test. please give all your critters a big kiss on the head from me, and tell them how lucky they are to have such a good human.

limine

#3  12 April 2006 - 19:08

 

Thanks, y'all. Limine, I will indeed give the critters yr best, although I think I'm as lucky to have them as they are me, if not more. (Did that make any sense? I ain't been sleeping great lately).

timbyrnes

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